It has been a while since we first met and I would still call my relationship to YOGA: 'difficult' or as in Facebook terms 'it's complicated'
When we first met
When I met Yoga a few years back it kinda got my intention, I was a little interested, but when we went out for a date it never really caught me. We went on and off and on and off again... and we finally lost sight. Even though I was still stalking Yoga on the WorldWideWeb & Facebookpages I never put any effort into a meeting up again.
The day arrived when we met again. It was a chain of random circumstanses that finally led to a spontanous meeting over the big ocean in Canada. I was a little, lost & floating soul, trying to find a grip somewhere onshore or at least on a big rock in that big flowing river that was symbolizing my life. I went into a gym room, attracted by the name of the class: Yoga For Athletes. I remember, I was intimidadet by the mirrors, the spinning bicycles and the gorgeous, strong and lean bodies in the sexy yoga-dresses.
But I really, really wanted to get fit, I wanted to have a leaner body, more focus, calmer mind. I wanted to find out what to do with my life.
So I dove right in.
Yes I do!
In this class you challanged me, like really. I was sweating, twisting, holding, bending and relaxing and sometimes everything at once. I forgot about the world around me, I just listened to the sound of your words. They spoke to me, through the bodies around me, through the great & authentic teacher in front of me, through the music in my heart and my own body. I was shaking.
Eventually, you allowed me to slowly cool down, to relax, let go, yet you encouraged me to not let the upcoming thoughts ruining it for me. You encouraged me to accept those bad, stressed and anxious thoughts, you encouraged me to accept them as they come and let them go as they are passing by. Not holding on.
'Focus on your breath' you said. Be here, NOW, be present and don't be sad about yesterday or anxious about tomorrow, just be thankful for today.
Laying on my back in a supine twist, feeling that energy coming up from the base of my spine up to my stomach and then rushing through my heart with one big swirrel just to leave my body through the crown of my head. I was bursting out in tears when I was told to slowly get out of the twist. I had no idea what just happened. But something did just happen and that was the moment when I promised to marry you.
But now we have been together for almost two years, two very intensive years. And sometimes I ask my self: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!
You've changed the way I think & see
I was outgoing, I was a party-girl, so much fun, never missing out on anything. Now I am a social retard and lonely yoga nerd. I became an introvert and don't like to talk to people anymore.
I was always happy, laughing, now I am worried about everything and sad for unknown reasons.
I was barely wasting a tear for someone else but me, now I feel like I am crying for every suffering being pretty much everyday.
I always loved eating whatever food there was, mostly crapy fast food, now I am struggeling to eat at all, cause I don't know what is good and what is bad and why.
I was used to shop my food in 10min, now it is like going for a days mission ending up with an empty bucked. Because I don't know what's good for me anymore. All the chemicals, additionals, plastic packages that I was supposed to avoid, buy local I tell my self but how far is local?
I know man, you just want the best for me, but dude!!! give me a break.
Really, I don't want do die of some sort of stressed and anxiety related cancer just because I tryied to make it right for everybody.
Not that I am afraid of dying, but I really would like to get at least my self right and sorted before I do and right now I am still not there.
Should I let YOU go?
I keep thinking: should I let you go or should I keep working on us?
Then I reflect and realize that I made a promise to my self and YOU. The promise that I will keep pursuing you. That I will keep learning about you and about me. The promise that I won't give up just because it will not bring quick results.
And where do we go from here?
So here I am, writing these thoughts out for the first time. Being honest with the people who, maybe down the road, will get to be introduced to YOU through me.
I have to admit, that being in a relationship with YOU is no easy task and one has to think twice if it is a task worth working on. I know that it definitly is worth it for me in order to get to know my self better and be able to start making healthier choices.
So my choice for now is to keep going AND to stay true to how I feel about YOU.
I will continue to work on my relationship to YOGA and I am sure that one day we will be a killer couple, changing the world ...
....even if it's only our own.
Finding balance between what is right and what is not. ;)
Love & Peace